Darla!

Category: what’s inside my head

  • “what do you fear, my lady?”

    “A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.”
    —Lady Éowyn

    You might not know that sometimes I’m jealous with people who leave their family and hometown to study in a good university in a big city. I feel that leaving all the people you love and the comfort of your home to live in a strange place, surrounded by strangers, is a step toward maturity. I was born and has been living in a big city all my life. I don’t know how it feels to leave my family and my bed to live in another city semi-permanently. I feel that I miss one step toward maturity.

    I fear that I have come to be spoiled by the comfort of big city. Everything I want is available here. I’m so used to living in an easy way that I fear I may not be able to survive if one day I have to leave it all.

    I once had this resolution of going out of town all by myself before I turn 20; take train and go to Yogyakarta or somewhere farther. It’s so sad that I’m 20 now and I haven’t even gone to Cimahi alone. My biggest obstacle is, of course, my parents. They will not let me go without company.

    Things may not change before I get married. My parents are the ones who are responsible for me until then. And after I get married, it will be my husband. My problem is if my husband doesn’t let me go, I can’t go. I will be forever inside the cage.

    I want to know how it feels to live in another town all by myself. I want to have a small house with a big garden. I want to taste that kind of freedom. And by freedom, I don’t mean partying and drinking like crazy. Freedom for me is being alone, doing what I love. It’s a simple dream but it’s so hard to pursue.

    Can I leave the cage?

    Sincerely,
    Putdar.

  • eid al adha

    Eid mubarak, people! 🙂

    This year, Eid al Adha was on Sunday, 6th of November. Praise the Lord, this Eid al Adha my family had the money to sacrifice 1/7 of a cow. It was kinda sad to watch the cow being sacrificed, but it was for the sake of religious service. The cow died for a greater good. I hope God accepts our sacrifices and put all the cows, goats, sheeps, camels, etc., in heaven. Amen 🙂

    Sincerely,
    Putdar.

  • dear agony

    I don’t quite know what’s really happening to me, but lately I’ve been feeling horribly hollow. If you asked me, I would say “I don’t know.” Because I really don’t. I can’t move my finger on it. Well actually, there’s something clouding up my mind, but I’m not sure people would understand what I really mean if I told them. Have you ever had this kind of feeling?

    I’ll leave you with this playlist consist of songs I’m listening right now. They’re all quite depressing. I tend to listen to sad songs whenever I’m sad, which make things even worse. Hahah… I just don’t know.

    Sincerely,
    Putdar.

  • on changing

    Some people forget but not forgive. Some other forgive but never forget. I am the latter and I guess you are the first. I always envy people who can easily forget, but now I understand that to be able to do both, forgiving and forgetting, is such a miracle. And it might be impossible for me.

    I am a girl with a lot of mistakes. Some are necessary and others are not, I guess. They’re merely… stupid. Foolish. I have said things I shouldn’t have said. I have done things I shouldn’t have done. This Ramadan, I had stopped for a while and looked back. There are so many people I’ve hurt badly. There are so many things I regret.

    I told you I wanted to be a better person. I mean it. I do. And when I said “I’m sorry” today, I meant it. It wasn’t because it’s Eid al Fitr and I should apologise to people for the sake of formality. No. I swear I’m sorry.

    I know some people don’t really get what I mean. Some people can’t believe that I want to change. I might have lied a lot in the past, but please trust me on this one.

    And Lord, I know You’re watching me from up above. I know You know, You understand, what I’ve been going through and what’s really inside my heart. I know You appreciate every step I’ve made today. Lord, I know You know I just want to get closer to You. Please open up their heart as You have opened up mine. Please help me change. Your help is the only thing that I really need right now…

    Sincerely,
    Putdar.

  • dear blogosphere, i’m frustated.

    I should’ve been on my way to Nyai’s house right now, but here I am writing a new blog post in the livingroom. Yep, I’m still in Bandung. Dad said we’d go to Lampung on Sunday. SUNDAY! Lebaran is on Tuesday and we will go to Lampung on SUNDAY! I hate my dad sometimes. Why should he be so busy at this time of year? I mean, Lebaran is supposed to be a special moment to gather with family, right?

    I’m sorry for ranting here, friends. I’m just so mad. Really, really mad.

    Sincerely,
    Putdar.