on changing

Some people forget but not forgive. Some other forgive but never forget. I am the latter and I guess you are the first. I always envy people who can easily forget, but now I understand that to be able to do both, forgiving and forgetting, is such a miracle. And it might be impossible for me.

I am a girl with a lot of mistakes. Some are necessary and others are not, I guess. They’re merely… stupid. Foolish. I have said things I shouldn’t have said. I have done things I shouldn’t have done. This Ramadan, I had stopped for a while and looked back. There are so many people I’ve hurt badly. There are so many things I regret.

I told you I wanted to be a better person. I mean it. I do. And when I said “I’m sorry” today, I meant it. It wasn’t because it’s Eid al Fitr and I should apologise to people for the sake of formality. No. I swear I’m sorry.

I know some people don’t really get what I mean. Some people can’t believe that I want to change. I might have lied a lot in the past, but please trust me on this one.

And Lord, I know You’re watching me from up above. I know You know, You understand, what I’ve been going through and what’s really inside my heart. I know You appreciate every step I’ve made today. Lord, I know You know I just want to get closer to You. Please open up their heart as You have opened up mine. Please help me change. Your help is the only thing that I really need right now…

Sincerely,
Putdar.