I love Billy

I had prepared a somewhat happy post about something happened to me last week, but then Saturday came and my heart got broken so bad. I woke up a little late that day to find Billy lying on the bathroom floor, motionless. I quickly grabbed him up and called his name. He didn’t even meow at me; he just looked at me. His body was very cold and couldn’t do anything. He did try to stand up only to fall back down.

I took him to a clinic near my house. However, since it was Saturday and still eight in the morning, the clinic wasn’t open yet. I stroked Billy’s fur and told him to be patient. He just looked at me and meowed nothing. I decided to take him to a farther clinic, but the doctor was on a vacation. I once again stroked Billy’s fur and told him to bear with me. I went back to the first clinic and luckily the clinic was already open by then.

But God had another plan. When I opened Billy’s basket, he wasn’t breathing anymore. He’s gone.

I cried at the clinic’s parking lot, hugging him tightly in my arms. He was very small and already cold. His eyes were empty and so was my heart. I had never lost a pet and this broke my heart so much. I cried at the parking lot for half an hour, all alone.

Then I went home and hugged Miss Molly, whispering “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” repeatedly like it would change something. I knew I should’ve seen the signs. Billy had shown some signs that he was ill since Thursday night but I ignored them. I knew there was something wrong but I shrugged the thought off. I’m such a bad pet owner.

A came over to my house to comfort me. I still hadn’t decided what to do with Billy’s body and he offered to take it to his office and bury it in his office’s backyard. So we took Billy to Dago. He dug a hole and I put Billy there. Just like that and he’s gone.

I still can feel him sleeping on my lap. I still can hear his purring sound. I still remember how he liked chasing flies and playing with dry leaves. I love him with all my heart. What makes me even more sad is the regret of ignoring his symptoms. My mind is still clouded up by the what if’s and I should’ve’s. He would’ve survived if only I wasn’t so stupid. He would’ve been here. He would’ve been still on my lap.

It’s been five days and I still cry myself to sleep.